Tissue Issues

8:29am
B-Trip: Home

There are people with balls, and then there's the rest of us.

There are people determined to follow their passion regardless of the cost, while others simply play it safe.

In a world of cowards, Joel Zumaya stands apart.

The flame-throwing setup man of your AL Champion D-troit Tigers faced criticism last year when the inflammation that dogged him during the playoffs was determined to stem from the 'Guitar Hero' video game.

(FULL DISCLOSURE: Admittedly, 'Guitar Hero' is the coolest game ever)

But when your hobby starts to effect your day job (especially when you also happen to have the coolest day job ever) there is cause for concern.

But as Spring Training opens, Zumaya remains undeterred.

Warming up in the bullpen … Pete Townshend

To those who insist Detroit Tigers reliever Joel Zumaya hurt his arm last season by playing too much air guitar in his spare time, the pitcher has a ready reply: Long live rock!

Zumaya told the Detroit News that he refuses to give up playing the video game Guitar Hero, even though the Tigers believe that was the cause of his late-season forearm troubles.

"They had a tough time trying to find out what was wrong with my arm," Zumaya said, "and I told them I was playing this guitar game. I don't believe that's what it was, and to tell you the truth, I haven't stopped playing it.

"A lot of people have criticized me and told me, 'Joel, put it away.' But I'm still going to play it. Just not as often."

Besides, injury risk or not, the game has its benefits for Zumaya.

"I even got free stuff from Guitar Hero," he said, "because of all the publicity I gave it."

You gotta admit...the guy's got balls. Though I must say, if I were one of his teammates (or especially the guy signing his checks), I'd break into his house and destroy that game.

"Don't worry, Joel. I'll buy you a new one just as soon as you win the World Series."


11:27am
B-Trip: Home

Another pleasant valley Followup D. Could this be the start of a new trend?

WHAT THE F***??!!!

This toilet paper....it's not Scott Extra Soft!!! It's Scott 1000. As I've noted previously, this stuff is no match for one of my D's. My D rips right through it. I might as well wipe with my bare hand.

This situation calls for drastic action.....Aha! A one-act play!

"ELLLLLLLLE!! GET IN HERE!!!"

Kenny's wife enters the bathroom, troubled to find him...knee deep in the hoopla, if you will.

Elle: Is everything alright?
Kenny: Is everything alright? Is everything alright, she says...does everything look alright?
Elle: No. Nor does it smell that way.
Kenny: What the f*ck is this?

Kenny lobs the new roll of toilet paper at her.

Elle: Where did this come from?
Kenny: It was sitting right here. How it got there...I don't know.
Elle: Oh no....I bought the wrong kind.

Elle falls to her knees, begging for forgiveness.

Kenny: Get up. Just tell me this: Was it an honest mistake? Or part of a nefarious scheme?
Elle: A mistake, of course. I'm an Extra Soft believer. You converted me. The regular is way too thin.
Kenny: I see. How many rolls of this are in our home at this time?
Elle: Including that one....eight.

A solemn pause, each of them digesting this terrible information.

Kenny: Let me be.
Elle: There must be something we can do. Let's TP the neighborhood tonight. And if you think about it, it really could be worse. Did you know Scott actually has the nerve to sell a Rapid-Dissolve toilet paper for septic systems. It probably breaks down before you can even get it home.
Kenny: Please, Elle. I just need to be alone.

Elle backs out of the B-Trip, determined to find some way to correct this grave error.

Kenny weeps silently, his tears dissolving not only the toilet paper, but also his hope for the future.

Fin