Pimp My D

8:50am
B-Trip: Home

I woke up.

I went poo.

More or less in that order.


4:27pm
B-Trip: Home

You may have seen this.

Roto-Rooter is giving away a Pimped Out John, complete with laptop, beer tap, X-Box, Flatscreen, TiVo, seat warmer, and pedals so you can exercise your legs. It's "Perfect for Multitaskers". The total value comes to around five grand, so if you're interested (and don't mind receiving spam from Roto-Rooter for the rest of your life) be sure to get your name in before April 2. The lucky winner will be crowned on National Plumber's Day, April 25, 2007.

Roto-Rooter is naturally giddy about their ostentatious toilet. Here's what they have to say about their promotion:

After all, what is a toilet? A private seat of power, a place to escape and experience a few stolen moments of pure solitude.

I'm with you so far. In our hectic, 24/7 world there are few places left where you can be all but certain you'll be left alone. That is the very essence of Taking D, and why it's so important.

It should be the most wonderful location in your home, but unfortunately, most toilets are bland and boring.

Hmmmm...the B-trip IS the most wonderful location in my home. But having to find some way to run the cable line in there, as a Pimped Out John would necessitate, would make things worse, not better.

Most toilets are just toilets. Plain and simple. As long as they flush properly and are remotely clean, who complains? For anyone honestly concerned about their toilet being 'bland and boring', slap a bumper sticker on it. Or stop flushing altogether. Either way, it's sure to become a conversation piece.

'The bathroom is the perfect place for your very own throne. It shouldn't always be regarded as the room of last resort', contends Steven Pollyea, Roto-Rooter vice president of marketing.

Any time a VP of Marketing 'contends', he's trying to sell you a bag of goods.

Since when is the B-Trip 'the room of last resort'? What about the living room? You actually eat there, what, maybe five times a year? People use their bathroom five times a day.

Can't you just see how this is going to end? Some college kid will win the Pimped Out John for his dorm room. He'll fight the university tooth and nail to allow him to cram it into the tight quarters. Their squabble will be a running gag all semester in the student newspaper. The university will finally acquiesce, but the kegerator is not allowed. He'll be fine with that because he's only 19 and, when you really think about it, only the lowliest of hardcore alcoholics needs draught beer readily-available when taking a dump. I mean, even a thirty year-old Dubya would have found that extreme.....BUT TOTALLY AWESOME!!!

Anyway, Team Roto-Rooter will come out and find some way to cram the thing into his dorm room B-trip. There will certainly be no room for the pedals (so suffice it to say...this guy's quads are f*cked!).

It will be so great for five minutes. Pictures will be taken. But the next day, as he's still getting the hang of it, his iPod will topple off the docking station attached to the toilet paper dispenser. From there it will drop into the dreadful liquid netherworld, a rather annoying turn of events for our big winner. In fact, he'll tire of all the bells and whistles in less than a week. Who wants to spend hours sitting on the toilet? His friends will still think it's cool, but he'll ignore the Pimped Out John entirely except when they stop by. The same thing happened when my Grandmother, rest her soul, gave my siblings & I a trampoline for Christmas.

Here's the thing: B-Trips need to be, above all, sanctuaries. That requires space and openness. Nancy Grace can wait til you're done (and hopefully even longer). As modern technology impinges upon all facets of our lives, we must keep the B-Trip sacred.