January 1, 2007
1:32am
B-Trip: Hotel President (Room 722), Kansas City
Happy New Year!!
Didn't take long to break the seal. Guess that means I'll be Taking D a lot this year. And I'll be bringing each and every one to you.
Well...the details of each. Don't worry. You won't be receiving any Special D-liveries.
10:18am
B-Trip: Hotel President (Room 722) , KC
Good morning. Elle, my wife, is still asleep. Through the walls I hear the covers rustle gently.
Reading David Rakoff's book "Don't Get Too Comfortable". Much like BORAT, it has an insanely long secondary title that I suppose I should list for the sake of thoroughness. But I'm not going to. So if you care, I urge you to look it up. I'm reading the Martha Stewart chapter at the moment.
Perhaps I should explain the term "B-Trip". Quite simply, it's my word for 'restroom', 'bathroom', 'loo', 'john', 'shitter', etc. I don't quite recall where it came from or what it stands for (A trip to the bathroom???), but I like it. So if you care to join me on this adventure, I urge you to accept my terminology (I'll get to "Taking D" soon). Hopefully it doesn't dick you too terribly much.
5:52pm
B-Trip: Basement of Father-in-Law's house, Lenexa, KS
I took this D out of boredom and slight urge to feel productive. I wanted to finish the chapter I started earlier, and Taking D seemed like a good excuse to do so. Didn't produce much "blogging content", if you will, but I managed to plow ahead in my book.
The best part of Taking D down here is when the heater kicks in. Makes the B-Trip warm & toasty.
January 2, 2007
8:16am
B-Trip: Basement of Father-in-Law's house, Lenexa, KS
A D that was doomed from the start.
I fancy myself an enviro-friendly individual. As such, I look for ways to conserve a little water here, a couple volts of electricity there. Before settling into my Morning D, I noticed what appeared to be a jellyfish of toilet paper floating the water. Elle has a microscopic bladder so when peeing in the middle of the night, she has been avoiding flushing so as not to wake me. Though the water in the bowl appears clean, I assume this is the case. So I had the option of either flushing the toilet paper or Taking D on it. I chose the road less traveled...and it was a dickover.
The Charmin lily pad effectively stalled my D like a putrid Hacky Sack. Though the odor was not terribly offensive to me (after all, who doesn't revel at least somewhat in the aroma of their own bm's?), Elle would be waking soon and this windowless basement B-Trip does not allow for the infusion of fresh air. A bonafide thank you was waiting for her.
Worse, I experienced one of the more solemn wiping predicaments. Inattentive 'balling' on my part enabled a paper tail to dip into the bowl and whip a little nasty water from the bowl back up onto me. Mercifully, I'm about to take a shower. Still...it's gross.
And, insult to injury, the toilet backed up due to the preponderance of toilet paper. Not my day.
5:05pm
B-Trip: Southwest Airlines, somewhere over California
Dropping D at 37,000 feet. Never a terribly pleasant experience to Take D on an airplane, but this online journal needs variet-D.
This particular closet, just behind the cockpit (SO NO GATHERING OUTSIDE THE DOOR, DAMMIT!), is not in great shape. Not sure anyone's been in here to clean or restock since the 70's. Out of kleenex, water splashed everywhere, the basin full of foam. But the most serious offense resulted from the woman in here before me.
Yeah, I'm talking to you 4-E!
I'm the guy who had to wallow in your nastiness.
This blond lady, pushing 50, sprinkled when she tinkled. But she was anything but a 'sweetie'...leaving golden drops of urine all over the seat.
I realize certain situations call for a Hover D or, I suppose on occasion for the ladies, a Hover P. I've never engaged in the practice since I'm confident that, when required, a layer of toilet paper ringed around the seat provides adequate protection. (And for the record, I don't do toilet seat covers, either. Too tricky. What are you supposed to do with that middle section? Let it drape down into the water?)
I admit it's kind of gross in here, so I don't begrudge the lady for hovering. However, her lack of common decency is appalling. If you're going to hover in a B-Trip bouncing through the air at hundreds of miles and hour, you're bound to make a mess. And when you do, WIPE IT UP! What's wrong with people?
The captain just reported we're starting our initial descent forty-five minutes early. Gotta love that! I really should get going.
11:30pm
B-trip: HOME SWEET HOME!
This is my throne. Where the vast majority of my D's will take place.
Right now, I'm completing the D I started on the plane. Then it's bedtime.
January 3, 2007
7:20am
B-Trip: Home
I was at a Super 8 in Wichita, Kansas when Saddam Hussein was hung. Where were you?
A comprehensive Morning D under way, I'm reading the Letters to the Editor in the LA Times regarding Saddam's execution. You're not going to believe this. Everyone's glad he's gone, but some criticize the execution's lynch mob atmosphere. Oh snap.
I'm just glad to be Taking D.
10:14am
B-Trip: Home
The coffee-induced Followup. The much anticipated sequel! Last night's salad bids my colon an accelerated adieu. Movin' on.
While all that fanfare takes place below me, I'm still plugging my way through David Rakoff's book. Bite-size chapters...splendid D reading.
6:05pm
B-Trip: Home
Now that we're back home, it's time for Elle & I to resume our rigorous jogging schedule. And by 'rigorous', I'm talking once around the block...a distance approaching a mile. And we do this twice a week. It's not easy being hard-core, but we do our best.
I'm feeling very much out of shape after a few weeks of Midwest gorging, so I'm trying to 'clear some space' to ensure my legs are carrying as light a load as possible.
11:51pm
B-Trip: Home
Back for more! My goodness, lots of D today. I'm reading Rakoff and, for reasons I won't get into, my tongue is blue.
January 4, 2007
7:31am
B-Trip: Home
Morning D. Reading Business page about ICM agents defecting. That venerable institution seems to be crumbling.
Guess Woody Allen needs to make more films.
10:58am
B-Trip: Home
I have a serious situation here. My tongue is still blue, resulting from a Sweet Tart candy cane I ate last night. It was not the of the 'hardened powder' consistency one typically equates with Sweet Tarts. It resembled a regular candy cane, but tasted 'tart' instead of pepperminty, and was evidently 95% food coloring.
The trouble here is that, as I flushed, I noticed the water in the bowl had a bluish hue. In other words, my entire digestive tract has been stained by that damn thing. I'm tossing the rest and urge all to avoid them next December.
11:50pm
B-Trip: Home
Elle is not feeling well so she's already in bed. I wanted to read another Rakoff chapter before turning in, so why not multi-task?
January 5, 2007
8:04am
B-Trip: Home
Morning D. Close to finishing the Rakoff book. Current chapter revolves around fasting. I've never tried it, though I know several people who have. They've gone weeks without eating.
My question: Does that mean you go weeks without D-ing? No thanks.
12:17pm
B-Trip: Home
Elle and her business partner, May, are in the living room putting together an album of a recent wedding they shot.
While I've been sitting here Taking D, I've heard footsteps. Somebody else has to go. You know what that means. Upon completion of this D, I have to shave....effectively muddying the waters as to why I've been in the B-Trip so long. It also buys me a few minutes to let the room air out, covering my tracks. The perfect subterfuge!
One could argue that a man doesn't need to apologize for Taking D in his own home. I can't dispute that. But if one also hopes to maintain a certain standard of hospitality, shouldn't he/she make best efforts to hold it in until the guests depart? Failing that, you duck and cover.
For the record I would never begrudge anyone who, upon inviting me into their home, opted to step away for a little while to go Take D. In fact, if another B-Trip was available I'd probably do the same.
7:20pm
B-Trip: Home
Pre-jogging D. I'm headed up to Vons. Still feeling out of shape so I'm making myself as light as possible.
11:41pm
B-Trip: Home
Like last night...Elle's asleep, but I'm not quite ready for bed. You got a better idea for moments like these?
January 6, 2007
8:55am
B-Trip: Home
Morning D. Finishing Rakoff. An entertaining book, though perhaps inappropriately positioned. The cover and quotes seem to suggest a skewering of the upper crust. Though this is sometimes the case, the book as a whole is more random than that, dealing with far-reaching issues such as the author's own U.S. Naturalization, cryogenics, and a class demonstrating how to forage for edible wildflowers in Prospect Park. I enjoyed the writing very much, but the content was less
'on point' than I expected.
12:20pm
B-Trip: Home
Reading front page of LA Times. Democrats have passed earmark reform, hoping that in the future earmarks will be more transparent.
Not to be outdone, minority whip Trent Lott spent the holidays stretching his lobes to a 00G, bolstering his claim that Republican earmarks are the most transparent in the Beltway.
January 7, 2007
9:16am
B-Trip: Home
Morning D. Time for a sports update!
Much-ballyhooed QB Tony Romo's costly 'bobble' led to the demise of the Dallas Cowboys SuperBowl dreams.
And the USC kicker was found dead below some cliffs south of LA. Huh?
12:34pm
B-Trip: Home
Reading the Current section of the Times. Black and Latinos apparently can't get along. Everyone's best hope for easing tensions, a Diddy/J.Lo lovechild, now seems highly unlikely, the frustration of which only makes matters worse.
No comments:
Post a Comment