The Cleveland In-Dians

8:42am
B-Trip: Home

Morning D was typical. But a few hours later something decidedly atypical took place.

I was in the b-trip when I heard some rustling outside. So I flung open the windows...and could not believe what I saw:

A 60-year old woman Taking D -- not 10 feet away -- on my neighbor's lawn.

Our driveway separates our place from the neighbor's to the north. This woman had positioned herself strategically between their windows with her bum facing their house. She was relatively hidden from the street due to a car parked in our driveway, so really the only person who could have seen her was me.

And did I ever.

I had only just begun to process what I was seeing when she let loose. Imagine turds plopping from a horse. I recoiled, but couldn't help taking another glance. She was dressed in what could have been her Sunday best, but with her bloomers around her calves and her skirt hiked up. In her hand she held a napkin or baby wipe to clean up.

My first instinct was to shout at her, but the events unfolding were so strange I instead raced to find Elle so she could bear witness (Editor's Note: She loves bearing witness almost as much as Heather from 'Rock of Love' enjoys bearing her 'tatters'.). But by the time we got back, the phantom dooker was gone. In her place, just a simple pile on the ground modestly covered by the napkin.

We raced to the front of the house and found the lady walking down the street, nonchalantly away from our house. Perhaps the most puzzling aspect was that she didn't look homeless. Just looked like any other lady. Any other lady with a deep, dark secret.

For the next few minutes, Elle and I took guesses as to what possible caused such strange and horrible event. Had this woman been wronged in some way by our neighbors and was now exacting an unholy revenge? Or was the answer more straightforward? As loyal readers know, I once had an extremely close call. Had the pizza place I went on to destroy not been open, I suppose I could have found myself in a similar predicament.

That hypothesis seemed to be confirmed when the lady headed back our way a few minutes later with a plastic bag in her hand. Clearly, she was coming to scoop her own poop. Elle and I took positions as the lady took a determined turn up our driveway.

But to our surprise, she walked right past her pile toward the back of our place. Was she making sure the coast was clear for some reason? But a minute later she walked right by again, back out onto the street. Then we watched her walk up the neighbor's driveway. Then another neighbor's driveway. Always with the same sense of purpose, but undeniably lost.

It was at this point we determined the lady was suffering from some sort of mental distress. Perhaps she needed help getting home. Clearly somebody needed to be keeping an eye on her. So I put on some shoes to go see if she needed help, all the while formulating how I would subtly shift to evade her shit-crusted hands should they reach in my direction.

But, like teenage romance, somehow she disappeared on me. I searched driveways and courtyards down the block, but she was nowhere to be found. Only her D remained (until later that day when the neighbor's groundskeeper apparently handled that abhorrent task).

Elle claims to have seen the woman wandering aimlessly a few weeks ago. Perhaps she was casing the joint. More likely, she was just being crazy. We are determined to solve this mystery, so I hope to be back with more answers soon.


11:01pm
B-Trip: Home

Reading column from yesterday's LA Times about the preponderance of anti-God books. Take that, God!

http://www.latimes.com/news/opinion/sunday/commentary/la-op-siegel7oct07,0,5846932.story?coll=la-sunday-commentary

I tend to side with Kurt Vonnegut on this matter, whose tombstone reads: 'The only proof I needed for the existence of God was music.'

We need to remember that the Lord works in mysterious ways. I didn't understand at the time that an old lady dropping a nasty deuce outside my window this morning meant that the Yankees' season would soon be over. But sure enough...

I wonder what He has in store next week when the Red Sox are sent packing.

If it's true that you can's spell 'World Series' without the 'D', it's looking like D'backs/'Dians to me.